The Moment I Felt Abandoned, I Gained the World
It took me a while to process this. I once felt disappointed, abandoned, betrayed, and hurt. I even doubted whether I should take the time to reflect on this experience, or forget about it and move on.
However, my students’ letters, gifts, flowers, emails, cards, and even writings on the envelope changed my mind. Their genuine support, sincere care, and heartfelt love are deeply touching, which reminded me that some moments and some people deserve to be acknowledged and remembered.
Last month, I lost my favorite job as a professor due to an all-too-familiar reason tied to the current political climate in this country. This part is not what I intended to unpack, because the reality where I live as an ant in a humongous jungle, becomes so chaotic and messy that everybody is just struggling to survive each day. And that reality is still ongoing, unfolding, and continuing.
The ruthless part to me personally is that the Dean simply notified me that the college didn’t have enough funding to keep me as a full-time faculty member. Therefore, the college decided not to renew my contract.
That’s it. Period.
Letting Go of the Things That Do Not Belong to Me
I felt lost and abandoned for a while. I kept asking the “why” questions:
Why did the college make this decision?
The explanation of funding cuts felt hollow, like an excuse.
Why did they cut the funding for this position?
Especially knowing that the doctoral-level courses I taught were core to the PhD program.
Why did they ignore the students’ voices and needs?
Many students reached out to the Program Director, advocating on my behalf, urging them to keep me.
Why did this happen to me?
I’m aware that I exist at the margins — a minority on nearly every social axis of identity.
Why did they act so indifferent and heartless?
Despite my dedication, extra effort, overtime, and the 5/5 evaluations I received for teaching all the doctoral-level courses.
None of these seemed to matter. I was removed anyway.
Anxiety. Depressed moods. Insomnia.
When I finally realized that this “logical” and “analytical” way of thinking as a scholar could not help or benefit me in this situation, I decided to perceive it differently.
The Buddhist part of me awakens.
When encountering obstacles, first recognize that they arise from karma. Reflect on your own karma and past mistakes, cultivating a sense of remorse. Don’t get lost in the moment, justifying greed or anger with excuses.
When seeing others act unrighteously, first recognize their afflictions, understanding that they are tormented by these afflictions and will face great suffering in the future. Cultivate compassion, and don’t justify your own faults by finding excuses.
－Guru Shakya
[A quote from
]If I kept asking myself why, and the logic stopped making sense, I would lose myself completely in a wave of anger, regret, remorse, and resentment. This would not solve any problem, but only create more problems and block my path forward, obscuring the direction of my future.
I truly believe in Karma. I can reflect on my past mistakes and my own Karma, but I don’t want to dwell on them. I can work to correct my errors, but I can’t change the choices or actions of others, even if they’re not right. Knowing that everyone must face their own Karma, I strive to cultivate compassion and kindness, rather than justifying my mistakes with excuses. I accept that I lost my job, and I trust that Karma is guiding me to where I truly belong.
I should let go of the things that do not belong to me, anymore.
From Abandonment to Empowerment
On my last day of teaching, the faculty and staff held a farewell party at the college. I was genuinely surprised to see so many people there—faculty members, some of whom I hadn’t worked with much, staff, and students. They brought flowers, cards, cakes, and other gifts. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. Then, the Program Director, standing by my side, said, “This is very telling. You made an impact in such a short time.”
One of my doctoral students had told me that she wouldn’t be able to visit that day, but she surprised me by showing up. I was overjoyed to see her, as it had been a while since we last met. I asked where she had been since the previous academic year. That’s when she shared that she had suffered a stroke and brain bleeding. She had been hospitalized for three weeks, during which she lost her vision and speech. She has recovered significantly, but still isn’t able to drive.
I was stunned. She explained that she hadn’t planned to come because of her condition, but in the end, her husband brought her to campus because she deeply wanted to see me in person before I left.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back. That moment—right then—meant so much more to me than anything else: the job, the title, or any academic achievement.
In that moment, I felt like I had gained the world.
I was deeply empowered by the support, love, care, and sincerity of the faculty, staff, and students. There is a long road ahead, but with the strength their encouragement has given me, I will move forward, with no regrets and no resentment.
A new chapter has opened before me. I will continue pursuing the career path where I truly belong.
I had two years of postdocs and a VAP before I had to leave the academy. I think I was on the verge of landing an assistant professorship, but I made a mistake and followed someone else’s dream instead of my own. Once I was out, I was out, and that was it.
But I see now all around me people who left the academy for any number of reasons - pushed out, burned out, snuck out, were dragged out by unrelenting life stuff - and I realize that, even if I had managed to land a professorship, it still would not have been any kind of slam dunk. I might have flamed out for a variety of reasons, many of which would have been beyond my control.
There’s a path, I guess, that we are going to walk and goddamn if we know what it is before we walk it.
I was saddened to hear you lost your teaching position, but gladdened to read your latest article and to hear the conclusions within. Stay strong, stay hopeful and stay courageous.